Pre-Script: I know it's a habit of mine to highlight sentences which mean something, so to facilitate reading and attention level. However for this post i urge everyone to read the full posting, as this post is very important most meaningful out of all my posts so far. So here's one good solid red text-ed paragraph. Enjoy.

Hmm.. very long... for me to post something again is something really rare.. I was wondering whether or not to let this blog die. But it seems i have too many thoughts and happenings. In fact many things happened after my wordy post on attachment. One of them is the concert, which you can see from two videos posted before this post. Another one, is something better said face to face. Typing, or without a proper communication medium will make things very ugly. Thinking that perhaps I am referring to someone? No i dun have enemies, though i may be an enemy to some, but no one is my enemy. In fact i refer to anyone (this is talking about the thing "better said face to face"). The last thing is about my mum. Why you ask? Because regarding my mum, things are pretty interesting. Or should i say, "very"?

Now, ever since she passed away on the 13th of Feb, the all-so-significant date (for reasons refer to my old posts), every now and then, i learn something. Just like this movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/plotsummary It is like only after she passes away, i start discovering the life that she TRULY led, the thoughts she TRULY had, the spirit she TRULY possess, the profound-ity of her thinkings and dreams, the reason over her actions and thoughts. In short, how TRULY wonderful my mum was.

Now people, this isn't some dramatic scenario when the mum passes away, and the son lives in regret over his past un-fillial and un-appreciative self. And the "wonderful" i am talking about isnt some simple "wonderful" people say during funeral speeches. This "wonderful" can only be experienced by someone who truly feels it, by how? By living in it, right here and now. I can testify this word "wonderful".

Why suddenly since 13th of Feb, after i had multiple experiences, i begin to blog about it? Coz i feel tat i cannot hold this piece of information any longer. Let me first bring to you one true incident.

Ying Han is a mentally challenge individual. He is a member of the Singapore Soka Association. Here's the global network. http://sgi-usa.org/ Under the student group NYPSD (Nanyang Polytechnic Student Division), I am entrusted to take care of this member. Ying Han is a very interesting person, not much about him here, but just for the benefit of all, he has a tendency to run away from home. Dun question why or begin drawing faults. Keep the fact as that will do.

On one occasion, he ran away from home again. I took full responsibility for a couple of hours from night till morning, in the search recovery of Ying Han. His cellphone sim card is taken out. It was a battle. I prayed. I began fighting for this member's life. In my conquest, I can see clearly all the factors which encompasses the reason for everything. In short i am somehow "enlightened enough" in that period of time to see things. My prayers were profound yet to the point...

AND THEN MY MUM APPEARED!!!!!!!!!!

lol, like that would happen. As vice general director michael yap would put it, "That isn't Buddhism". No in fact what i experience can be explained by buddhism definitely. I wish i could find a better way to introduce my mum into the topic but, actually things are as simple as "I felt my mum during this episode". I was like "Mum, you handle those useless noises-in-the-mind. I tackle the main problem here, to chant for Ying Han and his family. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo Nam Myoho~" I feel that someone was really filtering out the noises hindering my clarity of mind. I felt my mum.

Feeling my mum, in such a tense and fighting situation, is as though it's something she would want. Feeling my mum isnt a typical drama scripted line. I really felt it. Why is it so special? Sons feel their dead moms all the time. Yea that's true. But consider this:

1. I never felt my mum since she died.
2. I never felt sad when my mum died.
3. I only feel it then (and multiple similar occasions after which).

To explain, maybe starting from point 2. I was never sad when my mum died, I just dunno why. I dropped tears of happiness and hopes that one day her dreams will be achieved. I am crying for the day because i can visualise that day's coming. Her "Soka High School" will be established in Singapore. It may sound, wierd or brutal or stupid to some. But for people who truly understand my mum, understand the life she led, it wouldnt be. Let me state this once and for all.

"I have yet to see anyone fathom the life my mum led, her thinking and dreams."

"Wonderful" mum? "Special" perhaps, "unique" maybe? She was different from other women, other mums. Some may feel i am making a very extremist remark. I have only one thing to say to you, think Mother Teresa. "People achieve greater things, do greater good than other people when they first start to do things differently from other people".

Coming back to point 2, I was trying hard to come up with a reason why i dun feel sad over my mum's death. For those who knows what i have been through with her should know that it is not because i am unfeeling towards her. But I really do not know why. I do not know why i didnt drop any tears when i read the eulogy. I was thinking, maybe i was being very rational and priortising achieving her dreams, our vow, and inspiring people at the funeral, over her death. But now i realise it's not such a case. To explain, i will be using points 1. and 3.

Before that, I want to also proclaim that my mother's sisters (aka my aunts) think that know my mum, and know her life. To them, she led a life of suffering. To us, she led a life of victories. Same person dead, but so subjective when it concerns two parties. Why? Is it just a matter of subjection? Or is that actually a more "correct" answer? I believe that the correct answer is she led a life of victories. Even in her coffin, i have people coming up to me to thank my mum for saving their lives. Details not covered here but, imagine this. Imagine such a value creation funeral. Can normal people who aren't enlightened fathom such a fact? I believe when i shared my eulogy full of dreams and missions and philosophy, many thought i was crazy. People expect a eulogy to be full of sadness, sad memories of the once living deceased. What's the use of that? lol. So i am different la! ok, so what does it mean? *shrugs* Doh! =.=" It's as though, "The redder the better" (for tomatoes) becomes "The sadder the better". BULLSHIT! you want a tear jerking eulogy? attend Hilter's funeral. Because either people cry over the deaths of jews, or cry for joy over his death. xD

Make it simple for points 1. and 3. I can only feel my mum when i do what she do best. Fight with her life for others' happiness. Imagine a cartoon with the main character drawing out his/her inner powers out by intense focus. "ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" that kinda thing. I feel my mum's spirit, her powers, in me now. But i cannot exercise it unless today i am put in the right situation! Get it? That's the simple explanation. =)

My life is now a mix of witnessing her struggles, because i am immersing myself in a lot of life-saving activities, awakening the warrior and mission in everyone. By doing this i can really taste a speck of my mum's value-filled life, her joyous encounters and experiences of true happiness. I have yet to pass 1 year, but yet i have seen so much. Considering how vast her life was in a small part of Singapore (note the irony), I believe there's more to come. Does anyone understand the desire for me to feel and "see" my mum? And knowing that the only way to do that is to fight? Fight to feel my mum within me. The more I struggle, the closer i get to understanding my mum and the more I feel her. Is such a life interesting like i promised earlier? Haha

Something happened recently that made me realise even more. Actually it all started from this statement, "Would your mother be pained if she sees you like this?" A bit of prologue, I am working tirelessly now till my gf is really concerned at which the rate i am burning my body. Somehow i brought in my mum, and I guessed she would say that.

I believe my mum would have supported me, why? Because what did she die from? From fighting against cancer, paying no heed to the illness and continue to go out of value creating activities. Today i am doing the same thing, I am seeking self growth and development under training. I am changing my life, in the right way definitely. I am sure she would support me.

However, all mother cannot bear to see their son suffer. That's where she is really different and thinks differently from other mothers. What is suffering? suffering is needless and redundant pains. But challenges are a way of promoting self growth! As long as it does not come in the expense of harming or hurting others. The definition between them lies a world of difference. "Many fail to judge the difference, thus viewing all challenges as suffering and pains. In doing so, you give up your potential to breakthrough your limitations and self. Such a life is really regrettable." -quoted to the best of my memory/knowledge and experience of Buddhism lectured by Daisaku Ikeda.

My mum is very enlightened. She does not reprimand me for coming home late from work, but does so when i play computer till late, because those are causing unnecessary harm to our body. She has a clear vision of what is really right and what is really wrong, not mixing up both. Her visions are very far sighted, she knows young men needs to undergo training, just like our mentor Daisaku Ikeda and all Young Men Division members in SGI.

Many would at most judge my mum's thinking and actions as a warrior mum. Perhaps sometimes even misunderstanding her standpoints. One such example is better put in a question of "Is being a warrior mum means to give up your basic motherly love?" I think many people feel that I have worried my mum, and that it's time to make her happy. I admit I have never made her happy, and worried her endlessly. But let me take this chance to draw a line within these worries.

Some worries come from my actions and lack of maturity towards things. Some comes from a lack of understanding towards the situation which is absolutely forgiveable due to poor communication (Like polytechnic having a system where you have one day off in a week, but she thinks i am playing truant). Some however are more profound. How say? She worries over my cash flow, and my character. Let my explain. Cash flow meaning she will always ask "Melvin you have enough to spend? Should i increase your pocket money? Should I give you some?"

I never take her money ever, not if it's outside of my allowance or necessities. Never in my 20 years of life.

Except once, when I needed to get my meal for that one day when i had 0 dollars, I asked her to give me a dollar so i could get a 60 cents cup of drink from the vending machines in TBSC (Telok Blangah Soka Centre) She was exhilarated, i never seen her as happy as before in this aspect.

Why i do not take? Because i know that she needs to support this family as my father cannot do so alone. I do not take it, not because of pride or achievement. But because i know that it is more fillial, to not do so! And this causes a worry for her. Get my point?

She worries over why I do not allow her to buy me a Piano 2 months before her death. Speaking of which, I regret over not playing beautiful music for her when she's still around. If there's a chance I can meet her somewhere, please give me the opportunity to play for her once more..

Anyways back to the topic. The piano costs 5k. You think I will allow that in that situation? She was going like "Melvin why? Please let mummy support you in your dream ok?" It a mystery how even in her demented state she still remembers me and my dreams, the vow we both made. It was as though she can never forget, and that was of most utmost importance. I think i mentioned this in one of her posts before. In the end I told her to leave things to me and got a keyboard for 1.5k, which created much more values as compared to getting a piano. I knew i made the right choice.

There are limitations to what others and understand about my mum, or fathom about my mum. But as far as i know, nothing beats the bond between mother and son, and nothing beats the connection and understanding between me and her. Even though i cause her pain, i feel that pain. Meaning not i feel pain over her pain, but i feel her (that) pain. Get it? I can feel it in her light. Maybe this is all bullshit theory, but you know, i do. So what's the point really?

I seem to understand more of her actions now. Like why she chose to contribute to my dreams, why she entered my room (hightlighted in one of my older posts) shortly before her passing, why we made that vow,

What am I to her and What i mean to her.

Gosh this statement makes my cry everytime. Do you know the look she gave to me as compared to others in the hospital were different? Do you know she looked at me very clearly with an intense meaning behind those eyes? It was as though i saw beyond her eyes and saw her life, her meanings and intentions, her life. It was very clear what i needed to do from those eyes. In that moment I return to my childhood, when only me and her lived in a simple two room flat, Before all those battles began 10 years ago and things turned out slighted more complicated. Goodness, none of us knew at that time what great mission we had, what great adversities are coming our way, what victorious and exciting lives we were going to lead! HEHAHAHAHA!! *like the laughters generals of war have after a battle*

I wasn't a good son, so the least i could do, is to live and continue her legacy.

I hope this post can make everyone out there see me and my mum in a different light, and understand the life of me and her a tad better. Things aren't as simple as many think it is. *deep breathes and closes eyes*

Mum, I love you.

Wow. Busy Busy Busy. This is crazy.. since fyp was over, just busy working, doing attachment. Working, transiting into corporate life, really one helluva ride. It was a journey of self discovery, not that we do not discover ourselves before, but everyday is one step to knowing ourselves dun you think? Mr. Educator in my office, rather Mr. Philosophical, states that 80% of humans do not know themselves. These 80% of people live with what he calls "reactions". cant seem to find a better way to explain other than with an example..

Sometimes we encounter some mistakes or took a wrong turn in life. We end up saying, "shit". According to him, we do not think about saying "shit". We do not go through the process of: "Hey this is a shitty situation, oh lets say something, hmm what should i say? Oh lets say shit!" and you say, "Shit". We do not do that people. and that, according to him, is not knowing ourselves. According to him (maybe it's more justifed to say that some books do state this point as well), knowing ourselves is the sure way to success in life. Well how do you put it? If we know ourselves so well, we basically control our life. If we control our life, we control the future of it. Next time you say "shit" out of plain reaction, think about it and how you could have avoided saying it altogether. Crude theory but well, food for the mind ^^

What a nice opening to my post! Lol.. Hello loyal supporters who read my blog day and night fantasizing about me. =3.. jk.. i am back again, still working (this post was created at my workplace).. and my life these 2 months can be listed out..

1. Work everyday (DAY AND NIGHT)
2. Do homevisits
3. Play games
4. Read harry potter (near the end of attachment)
5. Watch movie at home with my studio equipment to destress (near the end of attachment)
6. Go out with my darling (2 movies, 1 concert, 1 birthday ^^)
7. Practice with Edwin (beginning of attachment)
8. One piano performance

That's pretty much it.. Boring eh? So many things i want to do, so many achievements i want to make, and what can i say? Glad I came to this company. Boring it may be, i have learnt many things. Lets start with the first general thing i learnt. The importance of communication.

For people who know me, i can speak well, i have what it takes to lead people.. And the thing i realized is, that does not mean i can communicate well. I realized that I have been very lucky, to have always been given a chance to speak so far. The same goes for leadership. I have been put into roles all my life, rather than earn it myself. So, the very first problem i have is, communication with my boss. I am a good worker, I do a good job out of everything i do, but i fail in communicating with my boss. That, is something i must learn. Because I have been doing "one to many" communication, my "one to one" skills are either not there, or i haven learnt to be myself when it comes to "one to one".

This got me into a fix, because i fail to tell my boss what i have done. This, plus another issue, which is "Presumption", is quite a deadly mix. In the real world, It is amazing that the truth is actually not the truth, but what people actually presume. I have always believed being a good worker and producing good results are the most important. But however, i was wrong. It is sad at first to stomach the fact that you have to attend to people's perceptions about you. It is survival 101. Dun do that, you'd find yourself a worse man than you actually are. So for a moment, there are many presumptions that i am a downright slacker, listening to music while working, do nothing, hack care attitude, do things half past six. Until, using a full month of "showing-off" (I hate it). I showed them. It may be good to state another thing i learnt: "People assess you in the first 3 secs of contact"

The second problem is, because I have been naturally given leadership roles, I lack to skills to look for contacts myself. One big word to put forth, "Networking". My loner working attitude has got me into trouble with both aspects, even more so in the latter. I learnt something from Mr. Philosophy. The 6 level/step networking rule/law. It basically means that the person/resource you need is just maximum 6 people away. That is one of the secret to success, networking. keep networking as much, and one day you might receive the call to success. That's what it means in a nutshell. Something out of a bell curve theory without understanding the theory of it.

That's pretty much two things i learnt corporate-ly. Another thing not so corporate-ish is punctuality, because of the fact that it doesnt apply to onli working life. I have this problem with punctuality, as you might see from my previous posts. So i got into a little bit of trouble my first two weeks in office. For this i just have one advice, "Victory starts in the morning!" Nuff said. ^^